Just Been Thinking

 

Just Been Thinking.....

2013 is drawing to a rapid close.  What was recently a new year beaming in our lives, has done its part and it`s folding away.  I just have a constant dreary feeling about this year coming to an end and a new year peering in the horizon. 

I feel like a hard crusted bud, tightly sealed desperate to burst forth to life.  I do not equally share the same sentiments as some have, of God answering and super-ceding their wildest expectations in answered prayer of  realised dreams. But don’t get me wrong, (I do have blessings I am thankful for), their testimonies fill me with hope as I am aware that, “what God makes happen for others, He can do for me.”

Though I may have had a tight palpable sombre feeling in my gut, choking me at the very thought of not sharing the same sentiments as the rest, I realise, we are all in different seasons.  I have been in a winter season, hibernating from the world, incubated in a place I could only have a one on one encounter with A healing God nursing my brokenness and painting new dreams in my spirit.  I have not been parading in the light of the world, but been in a place of incubation.

As the year nears to an end, my soul, spirit and mind are wrestling this incubator that had me locked up in solitude.  Maybe I am at the verge of bursting to life like uncontained bellows of fire! Maybe I have been stretched long enough to a birthing point.  Maybe the unease I feel, is life about to announce itself in my solitude. 

My body is tired, I have never been desperate for change and hope to begin anew as now.  I am suddenly aware of the repressive darkness around me, in this incubator.  I feel like I am huddled in a crammed up position because I have outgrown this once fitting place of hiding, solace and comfort.

My once place of hiding has become a constant irritant, I kick! I push! I fight to stretch my limbs because they have grown. 

  I once embraced so fondly this incubator as a place of warmth, comfort and hiding from the world.  Never did I imagine that one day I would dare crave light and freedom.  Well at that time, I didn’t know me, didn’t know parts of me that I gladly embrace today.  I crawled into this incubator long before I knew how to embrace life. It helped me nurse my wounds and shame, hide my insecure self from a spinning world. It hid my weak limbs which were too feeble to stand and carry me, as I tried to face the world one more time.

Now that I am grown, my once feeble limbs are strengthened, I want to break free!!!! 

I fight the restrictions in defiance; this place of hiding can no-longer support the person I have become.  I am stronger, with a sense of identity and strong sense of purpose. I am glad; I was hid from the world to embrace myself.  I am blessed to have been embraced by The hands of a Loving Compassionate Heavenly Father.  Only His compassion had the ability to have nursed me thus far.

I grew, super-ceded my own self limiting beliefs.  For once I embraced me, with all I am, fully aware of my existence, my wants, needs and desires. 

I gained strength and composure in the face of adversity; I flowed with the boldness of a lioness in charge, challenged beliefs and the status quo by just being me. 

For once, unapologetically, I let myself be.

The sparkle in my eye proves there’s a glimmer of hope; the twinkle in my eye proves I have embraced life with an innate desire to shine.... 

I have simply fallen in love with me! J

 His Beloved......

It`s Only Part Of The Process......

 

We all have ghosts from our pasts flashing in our minds, at any chance they get. They creep in, in our most unguarded moments trying to compete with God`s presence. 

No one ever told me that in my healing, I would encounter discouragement and bouts of despair.  I would find myself celebrating one or two steps forward then find myself sliding four steps back! I mean could this be progress? Why would I get to feel spiritually invincible certain days and bitterly defeated other days? I thought with emotional wounds, it would be as instant as a fairy godmother waving a magic wand on my brokenness...  unfortunately not at all.

The world clogs our ears with critical insensitive remarks like “just get over it!” The unsung truth is healing is a gradual process.  At times more like a drudgery of an emotional roller-coast ride, culminating of victorious highs and dismal lows of despair. Yet, if followed through, the process yields so much fulfilment.  Healing can never be hurried or accelerated. The lessons of pain and brokenness can never be mastered in haste.   

Before, I didn’t have a better understanding of how to handle my inner struggles. They were my identity, deeply ingrained in me since my childhood. I constantly taunted myself with a severely negative thought life, shying away from the good I thought I did never deserve and dreadfully embraced mediocrity instead.  Shame and insecurities lay camp in my already broken soul.  This depreciated my self-worth hence a torrent of self-demeaning thoughts flowed uninhibited in my mind ravaging my self-esteem like an untamed destructive fire.  I recount more inadequacy feelings than appreciative thoughts. 

Sheer desperation for change, led me through a determined self-education phase. I just had to restore myself.  With inspiration from watching talk shows, I would immerse myself in a plethora of activities which included, self-help books, positive talk, reading biographies, meditation among other remedies. I just had to fix myself. 

I knew God, had a relationship with Him, but had a narrow view of what it meant, by Him being Christ in my life.  I kept my flaws in front of me but away from Him.  Somehow I believed, I was responsible for my own transformation.  But that yielded a great sense of failure. Imagine being with The Great Physician Himself, but never daring to consult Him.  

It took yet another harrowing experience when I finally tossed away my self-help material and turned to scripture. I am sure God had been waiting on me to quit trying and finally to consult Him. Vehemently flipping through the pages of my bible, I stumbled upon a verse I highlighted a long time ago...

 Psalms 51 verse 17... (Amplified Version) ...“My sacrifice (the sacrifice acceptable) to God is a broken spirit; a broken and a contrite heart (broken down with sorrow for sin and humbly and penitent) such Oh God You will not despise...”

 Clearly my emotional mess was brokenness before Him.  I had `known` God as The Saviour, Redeemer of my sins, but I had never experienced Him in my brokenness.  I had never dared to trust Him to lead me to a place of healing and restoration.  In fact, my understanding of divine healing was only restricted to the external physical part of our mortal bodies, but never of the injured crushed soul.  

My insecurities, inadequacies, lack of self-esteem were all etched in the crevices of a broken injured soul. An injured soul deprived of self-love, self-appreciation, boundaries and true joy, a result of a broken and contrite spirit.

 As I delved deeper in studying meaning of the scripture, I came across the Hebrew meaning of broken, it is `shabar` meaning, break in pieces, shattered or crushed.  When you bear an injured soul, it is fragmented.  It`s one thing to pretend you got everything under control, yet be fragmented on the inside.  The more of yourself you cannot control, the more anger you spew out/ the more hurting you become.  

Before the God encounter which beckoned me to a journey of restoration, my soul, like puzzle pieces in the hands of a clueless child, I desperately clutched onto fragmented bits of a former self.  Fragments of broken dreams, a destroyed self portrait, burnt passions, a severed dignity and a trail of hurts and disappointments.  Life had not killed me, it just broke me, but when I put the fragments of my soul in God`s hands, He made me stronger.

I write this blog prayerfully, imploring you not to lose hope in the possibility of ever becoming whole.  Hanging onto the pain and disappointments stalls progress, breeds bitterness and negates change. 

Our God Is an All-Restoring, Supernaturally Transforming God.  In our eyes, our souls appear to have been reduced to useless shreds of weakness because of enduring pains, betrayal, abuse, rejection, abandonments and everything that implodes our souls from within.

Don’t be quick to write yourself out of your journey to destiny.  I dare you to trust in God, Who has a skilful ability to weave in the intricate shredded yarns of our souls into a transformed tapestry piece of wholeness. I beckon you to a journey of unwavering trust in God, Who can glue together the broken, senseless pieces of your life. Your journey is just as important as your destiny.  His endearing Love draws Him to our brokenness like a moth to a burning flame.

Isaiah 42 verse 3.... ”He won`t brush aside the bruised and the hurt, and He won`t disregard the insignificant, but He will steadily and firmly set things right...” The Message Version

When I am broken, it does not mean I am of no use, but my brokenness always attracts my Masters hands to hold me up and gently restore me.  It is always in our times of brokenness that we experience the most of The Lord`s Love and Grace....

Be Encouraged!

 

His Beloved.... J