We all have ghosts from our pasts flashing in
our minds, at any chance they get. They creep in, in our most unguarded moments
trying to compete with God`s presence.
No one ever told me that in my healing, I would
encounter discouragement and bouts of despair.
I would find myself celebrating one or two steps forward then find myself
sliding four steps back! I mean could this be progress? Why would I get to feel
spiritually invincible certain days and bitterly defeated other days? I thought
with emotional wounds, it would be as instant as a fairy godmother waving a magic
wand on my brokenness... unfortunately
not at all.
The world clogs our ears with critical
insensitive remarks like “just get over it!” The unsung truth is healing is a
gradual process. At times more like a
drudgery of an emotional roller-coast ride, culminating of victorious highs and
dismal lows of despair. Yet, if followed through, the process yields so much
fulfilment. Healing can never be hurried
or accelerated. The lessons of pain and brokenness can never be mastered in
haste.
Before, I didn’t have a better understanding of
how to handle my inner struggles. They were my identity, deeply ingrained in me
since my childhood. I constantly taunted myself with a severely negative
thought life, shying away from the good I thought I did never deserve and
dreadfully embraced mediocrity instead.
Shame and insecurities lay camp in my already broken soul. This depreciated my self-worth hence a
torrent of self-demeaning thoughts flowed uninhibited in my mind ravaging my
self-esteem like an untamed destructive fire.
I recount more inadequacy feelings than appreciative thoughts.
Sheer desperation for change, led me through a
determined self-education phase. I just had to restore myself. With inspiration from watching talk shows, I
would immerse myself in a plethora of activities which included, self-help
books, positive talk, reading biographies, meditation among other remedies. I
just had to fix myself.
I knew God, had a relationship with Him, but had
a narrow view of what it meant, by Him being Christ in my life. I kept my flaws in front of me but away from
Him. Somehow I believed, I was
responsible for my own transformation. But that yielded a great sense of failure. Imagine
being with The Great Physician Himself, but never daring to consult Him.
It took yet another harrowing experience when I
finally tossed away my self-help material and turned to scripture. I am sure
God had been waiting on me to quit trying and finally to consult Him.
Vehemently flipping through the pages of my bible, I stumbled upon a verse I highlighted
a long time ago...
Psalms 51 verse 17... (Amplified Version)
...“My sacrifice (the sacrifice acceptable) to God is a broken spirit; a broken
and a contrite heart (broken down with sorrow for sin and humbly and penitent)
such Oh God You will not despise...”
Clearly
my emotional mess was brokenness before Him.
I had `known` God as The Saviour, Redeemer of my sins, but I had never
experienced Him in my brokenness. I had
never dared to trust Him to lead me to a place of healing and restoration. In fact, my understanding of divine healing
was only restricted to the external physical part of our mortal bodies, but
never of the injured crushed soul.
My insecurities, inadequacies, lack of
self-esteem were all etched in the crevices of a broken injured soul. An
injured soul deprived of self-love, self-appreciation, boundaries and true joy,
a result of a broken and contrite spirit.
As I
delved deeper in studying meaning of the scripture, I came across the Hebrew
meaning of broken, it is `shabar` meaning, break in pieces, shattered
or crushed. When you bear an injured
soul, it is fragmented. It`s one thing
to pretend you got everything under control, yet be fragmented on the
inside. The more of yourself you cannot
control, the more anger you spew out/ the more hurting you become.
Before the God encounter which beckoned me to a
journey of restoration, my soul, like puzzle pieces in the hands of a clueless
child, I desperately clutched onto fragmented bits of a former self. Fragments of broken dreams, a destroyed self
portrait, burnt passions, a severed dignity and a trail of hurts and
disappointments. Life had not killed me,
it just broke me, but when I put the fragments of my soul in God`s hands, He
made me stronger.
I write this blog prayerfully, imploring you
not to lose hope in the possibility of ever becoming whole. Hanging onto the pain and disappointments
stalls progress, breeds bitterness and negates change.
Our God Is an All-Restoring, Supernaturally
Transforming God. In our eyes, our souls
appear to have been reduced to useless shreds of weakness because of enduring
pains, betrayal, abuse, rejection, abandonments and everything that implodes
our souls from within.
Don’t be quick to write yourself out of your
journey to destiny. I dare you to trust
in God, Who has a skilful ability to weave in the intricate shredded yarns of
our souls into a transformed tapestry piece of wholeness. I beckon you to a journey
of unwavering trust in God, Who can glue together the broken, senseless pieces
of your life. Your journey is just as important as your destiny. His endearing Love draws Him to our brokenness
like a moth to a burning flame.
Isaiah 42
verse 3.... ”He won`t brush aside the bruised and the hurt, and He won`t
disregard the insignificant, but He will steadily and firmly set things
right...” The Message Version
When I am broken, it does not mean I am of no
use, but my brokenness always attracts my Masters hands to hold me up and
gently restore me. It is always in our
times of brokenness that we experience the most of The Lord`s Love and Grace....
Be Encouraged!
His Beloved....
J
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